We live in a world where people are reachable by many methods. Whether it's a phone, text, bbm, im, email, fb msg, post WHATEVER....ain't nobody unreachable!! Even the president will take a call when he's in the middle of ish....!! My point is that nobody is that busy. And all i'm saying is that a response in any form is showing a sign of respect. Selective responding isn't cool!! When I know people that have their phone glued to their ear or their fingers even when i'm having a conversation in person with them yet don't respond EVER....it's annoying. Come on people....WE CAN DO BETTER!! A simple..."got it", "ok", "no", "yes", "i'm busy", "i'll call you back"......etc is sufficient enough. I wish we could go back to the days where reaching me on my Snoopy was the only way you could get me and if I didn't answer you'd have to call me back. Unfortunately, Snoopy is old, low and wired. So.....the latest and greatest modes of technology is where we are at and what I have to accept! One last thing I have to say....oh wait...hold on someones calling....oh i'll call them back later...hahaha! Anyway, thank you to those of you that call and or write a sista back!!
I’ve written about a plethora of topics over the year. At times, I’ve felt like I had so much to say and not enough strength in my fingers to type it. Lately, that sentiment is further from the truth. I find myself devoid from interesting thoughts worthy of writing about. I suppose when you share such intimate details about your life, you begin to lack material to write about.
This morning, I looked at my blog and saw that I still get a consistent amount of people checking it out daily. How awesome. I immediately felt a bit depressed. People are logging in to see what I have to say. They’re looking to get another glimpse into mylife and my thoughts. And here I am completely blank. I foundd myself trying to think and think of something to write about and then it hit me. Just ramble haha. Sometimes the best thoughts and ideas come out of simply thinking.
And so here I am…rambling….or as I sometimes like refer to myself…Rambling T. My mind has been fluttering between today’s Giants and Jet’s games and whether I should go watch them in the bar by myself. I’ve been thinking about work and how I can start making enough money so that I don’t need a part time job. I’ve been thinking about the great night I had with my dad over dinner and drinks. I’ve been thinking about the financial choices I’ve made in regards to my life and those around me. I’ve been thinking about what has become more important these days, finding a man, buying a house or having a baby? I’ve been thinking about how much it means to be thought of, accepted and appreciated. I’ve been thinking about how much weight I’ve gained in the past few months and how much I’d like to get a gym routine going. I’ve been thinking about the NY Knicks and whether they will be as bad as the ESPN commentators profess. I’ve been thinking about that Barney’s situation in the city and how depressing it is that in 2013, we’re still talking about racial and youth profiling. I’ve been thinking about how much I miss my grandmothers and the fact that the hole in my heart has never healed. I’ve been thinking about how much I love my brothers and the fact that they truly don’t know the depth in which those feelings are. I've been thinking about how courageous I think my mom is yet I still feel wounded by the mistakes from the past. I've been thinking about how shy and insecure I am and how I wish I was outgoing and stronger. I've been thinking about how much it hurts my feelings when friends cancel on me and why exactly it hurts so much. I've been thinking about whether its true that I try to buy acceptance. I've been thinking about what if I were to get fired from my job too. I've been thinking about if it's wrong that I pick guys because of their looks first before realizing they're dumb assess. I’m thinking a whole hell of a lot for 8 am in the morning!!
So, as I begin my Sunday and start making choices for the day, I will continue to think and to ponder the questions and scenarios of life. I will live. I will work to be happy. I will work to be successful. I will work to be the person my Grandmothers wanted me to be. I will work to be the person I want to be. I will work to be the kind of person God will have me be.
Happy Sunday…I Love You,
You ever feel like you’re not being heard?
You ever feel like never uttering a word?
You ever feel like the grass is always greener?
You ever feel like your enemies get meaner and meaner?
You ever feel like your best isn’t good enough?
You ever feel like others make it tough?
You ever feel like your heart bursts with love?
You ever feel like your blessed from above?
You ever feel like staying on the phone?
You ever feel like you’re never alone?
You ever feel like it’s Thanksgiving in October?
You ever feel like you’re drunk but you’re stone cold sober?
You ever feel like you’re stuck between smiling and crying?
You ever feel like hugging someone even when they’re lying?
You ever feel like you dislike someone so much yet you’d give them a hand?
You ever feel like listening to a DJ and a band?
You ever feel like a foe is also your friend?
You ever feel like starting something and at the same time wishing it would end?
You ever feel like you’ve read something and it made absolutely no sense?
Yeah Me Neither...
You never know what people really think of you. The Ojays song Backstabber is a great example put into words about this fact. (that is of course if they did indeed back stab you). A life changing circumstance happened to someone I know and I believe that this person believed that he/she was well liked, respected and admired. The truth is, that this was further than the truth. It’s funny, because at times many of us believe in our heart of hearts that we know what others think. Some believe that although they are not showing their true self and not being authentic, others will not recognize that. But, to be honest most people see through the “facade”.
The situation with this person had me thinking not only about his/her circumstances and everything that resulted in the aftermath, but it also had me thinking about myself. I often ask myself why don’t others see me how I view myself? I question whether the heart that I wear on my sleeve and the compassion I try to show towards others is something that is truly visible. When I ask close friends and family they say yes. But, associates, colleagues and acquaintances don’t see that. So, if I were to find myself in a situation that I deemed to be life altering I wonder how would others view it and ultimately me?
Sometimes, the only way to let people know how much you care for them, root for them and appreciate them is to say it. Many take your silence for something other than what you've intended it to be. Many believe that by not encouraging you’re discouraging. Many also believe that by not expressing love, your expressing dislike. I would hate people in my life to think I didn’t value them and appreciate what they've done for me and how much of an important impact that they've had on my life.
Years ago, my mom and I had a conversation about my Nana. My mother expressed sadness about the fact that my Nana seemed to speak highly of her oldest son, treat my moms sister like her best friend and my moms youngest brother with overwhelming generosity. My mom didn’t feel like she really received anything special. I told my mom that maybe you were the one she never worried about. Maybe you were the one she had faith in succeeding. Maybe because you were the oldest she didn’t think you needed as much guidance. Now this was all guessing on my part, but I believe it to be true and I know when I told her this, my mom thought so too. Much of the surmising could have been alleviated had my grandmother simply spoke of the love, fondness and how proud she was for and of my mother. Words hold power and although my grandmother grew up in a different time and was part of a generation that didn’t express it that way, it was felt. Today, is different. We live in a society that is built on words. We express them in 140 characters, on blogs, facebook and so much more. So, when you go to type something on someone’s wall or tweet a message, send an instagram, or a bbm or imessage remember the two words that can spark a lifetime of joyous feelings…..You’re Appreciated!
As I sit here on the brink of turning 40, thoughts flood my head. One of my greatest wishes was and actually still remains, to be a mother. It’s funny because when you turn 20, the last thing you think about is being a mom. Yes, you hope that at the end of the path your family will be there. The family, that you planned for and prayed for. Unfortunately, many plans are not meant to come into fruition. The twists and turns of life are often unexpected and can leave you with decisions you never thought you’d have to make.
All of my life, I strived to find happiness. I looked in some of the darkest holes and through some of the brightest lights. It remained unfounded….or so I thought. As I looked and looked, I stumbled upon thankless jobs, ruthless people and bleary days. In the midst of it, gems would always seem to shine. Whether it was a new best friend, meeting my favorite artist, kissing the most perfect lips, or being chosen by those you didn’t think noticed you, greatness would find me. However, the one true beam that I wanted never seemed to make itself present.
Many women are told to wait until they have the career, the money, and the husband before they have the child. Unfortunately, reality isn’t set up that way. Biologically speaking the window for conception is quite small. This isn’t something that we’re really taught. Nobody told me that at 25, I was at my peak. 25!! At 25, I was too busy dropping it like it was hot to think about settling down and having my dream baby. Then I hit 30, I was still young enough but I had no clue that I was only a few years away from my dream slipping through my fingers. At 30, I was in the midst of carving out my career in the music industry, or so I thought. By 31, what I thought would be my career turned into what would be a revolving door of unemployment checks, temp checks and grinding at jobs I hated with no medical insurance to check on myself physically. By the time I turned 35, it was over. 10 years between 25-35 and my eggs were all but gone. Crazy….but true.
So, as I sit here contemplating and daydreaming about the life I wanted and the life I ultimately have, I think about some of the things I could have done different. I could have frozen my eggs in my 20’s. I could have put more emphasis on monitoring my reproductive health. I could have educated myself. I could have done so much but I didn’t. So, I beat myself up sometimes and let the tears stream as I think about the what ifs. I know that I may have one or two good eggs left but financially speaking IVF costs are astronomical. Medical insurance covers some but 5k is nothing when you have a 20k bill. So, I have decided to put all of my eggs in the arms of god and pray that if I’m meant to be a mom I will be. I continue to do research and look at grants but ultimately I truly believe my faith will carry me through. Whether that's with a baby in my arms or not, that remains to be seen but i'm hopeful and i'm optimistic and will accept my fate no matter how it presents itself to me.
Not sure where I got the strength to share this part of my story, but maybe there’s a twenty something year old out there who’s reading this and will think about her future realistically. Maybe there’s a mother out there that will have the conversation with her daughter about reproductive health. Maybe, just maybe someone will think twice about truly making decisions for their future.
Good Luck and God Bless,
Sometimes the heart knows what the heart wants even when you're mind is saying give it a chance. You're heart will never lie to you. You're heart will never deceive you. You're heart wants what's best for you. You're heart knows that by being patient, all of your dreams, hopes, goals, wishes, and prayers will be answered...just not necessarily on your time.
Today I met up with a friend for lunch and like all conversations between girlfriends we discussed a plethora of topics. One of the topics we spoke on regarded my opinion about someone we both know. The words I used to describe this person were mean spirited and harbored on disrespect. In the moment, I didn’t recognize my tone and how I was speaking of this person. It wasn’t until about five minutes before writing this blog that I realized how disgusting I was behaving.
In my blog, I write about being inclusive. I write about forgiveness. I write about loving one another. I write about acceptance. I didn’t exhibit any of that behavior this afternoon. I tore someone down based on hearsay and my own interpretation of who this person is. I painted a picture of this person with a brush that I had sullied and allowed to dry over time. By tearing this person down, in the moment I felt good. I felt like I was above this person. The truth is, I’m not. My behavior didn't show strength or power, instead it showed ignorance and jealousy.
I like to think that I’m a good person and that I not only see the good in others but I see the good in myself. Today I proved myself wrong. Regardless of what choices that person made for the good or bad of others doesn't give me the right to sit in a place of judgment. I’m not perfect and I am flawed in so many ways but when I see it for myself, I gotta tell you it not only stings….it hurts.
I’m sure it won’t be the last time I make a choice that is ill conceived. But I hope that as I get older I think about what I’m saying in the moment and why exactly I’m saying it. It’s sometimes hard not to talk shit, but at the end of the day I’d rather try hard to keep positive thoughts flowing rather than ones filled with crap.
Sometimes I get caught up in the why’s of the world. I question why I don’t have the material things I want. I question why I don’t have the money that I desire. I question why I don’t have the relationships that I believe I deserve. I question why I don’t have the healthy bones that others have. I question why I don’t have the child I always dreamed of. The questions go on endlessly and then I sit and I stare. The thoughts and the realizations often begin to flood. I don’t get the answers to those questions, but I suddenly find myself reminded of what I do have.
How lucky am I that although my car is a 2001, Honda CRV with 254,000 miles on it, it runs. I think about the positive and healthy relationships that I do have. I’m grateful that as fucked up as my joints are, I walk, I hear and I write. My dog Fella chewed up my hearing aids yes, but in the process he awakened my creative side and he's why I blog now. Yes, I don’t have children but how blessed am I that all of the mothers I’ve been around over the years graciously allowed me to be a part of their child's lives. Whether it was my cousins or my friends watching a kid grow up even when he or she wasn’t mine has been a gift that I cherish wholeheartedly. I have a million cousins but watching the development first hand of my cousins Angelina, Danielle, Jaymes, Matthew, Rebecca, Natisha and Yolanda and my brothers Trevor and Zeb grow from babies who fell asleep in my arms to amazing adults really makes me feel awesome.
So, when you think about all that you don’t have and question the why’s of your life, take a moment to think about the blessings. How amazing is it to be able to stand back take a deep breath and allow the tears to stream down your face into the crook of your smile?
Tell someone you appreciate them and that you love them!!
My name is Tamieka Blair and I live on Long Island in New York. I write, I read, I write, I work, I write, I support..I WRITE!!!
Please note that the viewpoints expressed in this blog are solely my views and do not necessarily represent those of any employer or company associated with Tamieka Blair.