Sure, I have a car that's mine. A 2001 Honda CRV with more that 282K miles but will I ever get to drive the Range Rover I always dreamed of buying? Yes, I have a roof over my head but it's not my roof. Don't get me wrong it's better than sleeping in my car...yes I stupidly made the decision to do that years ago!! Don't try it!!! Losing multiple jobs over the past couple of years hurts. Still searching hurts just as much. I mean damn, I'm college educated and bright if not me than who? Having to move out of my apartment and my neighborhood was humbling in ways that I can't describe. My landlord still didn't pay me my full deposit even after I spent 100's of dollars taking him to court and having them rule in my favor. Crazy!! Reaching out for support from friends in the form of just meeting me for dinner and or a show and being rebuffed or ignored is painful...maybe I should have explained why...but with friends you shouldn't have to right? Sometimes, I wonder what did I do that was so wrong in my past life? I don't know.
I know that I'm a good person with pretty decent morals. I'm not a drinker, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs, I try to extend a hand of support and lend an ear for airing. Sure, I've gambled more than I should've on occasion but is that so horrible? Every single night I read my bible and say a prayer for my family, for my friends and for those I've come in contact with over the years. Every night I ask God to please bless over those I love, to touch their hearts and lead them down the path towards happiness. I ask for the same for me. I'll never stop. But, in this moment I can't help but wonder when will I find mine? Will I be a 90 year old unwed childless woman? Who knows...
As I type this I think about the picture that accompanies this post. Me and my dog Fella. The picture is a beautiful one that seems to show serenity and peace. But in actuality I was feeling down and alone. I wanted to escape and find a piece of heaven that would help me to remember by dreams and to go after them. I always dreamed of being a mom and a wife. I always dreamed of owning my own house and making it a home. A place where my family would come over for dinner, play games and laugh. I never really dreamed about material things per say but rather I dreamed of experiences that would lead to love, happiness and fulfillment.
Wiping my eyes and trying to be strong I'm feeling down but not out. I still believe that the path before me will be a glorious one. I'm hopeful. I continue to pray to God for a job that will pay me what I deserve. I pray to God that my dreams will become a reality and I won't have to wait until I'm 90 haha. I pray to God that I will one day read this post, shake my head, laugh and be humbled by the reality that the struggles of our past make up the victories of our future.