I LOVE YOU,
As I reflect back on the year that will no longer be here in less than 12 hours, I can't help but think about all of the blessings that were bestowed upon me. There are so many times where I feel like I don't have anything or anyone and then I look through my pictures and realize i'm in the midst of a pity party. How can I feel sorry for myself knowing that I have friends and family that helped me get brand new hearing aids? How can I feel sorry for myself knowing I was able to go with one of my good friends Melanie, to see the New York Knicks (a lifelong dream...next year it's the New York Giants)? The joy I feel knowing that I have family and friends who support me even when I don't realize it is awesome. I can't feel sorry for myself when I think about the great time I had celebrating my dad Dwights 60th birthday. There are some who have never met their dad, some who know him and don't have a relationship or worse those who've lost their dad to heaven. How can I feel crappy knowing that I have an amazing mother named Debra who tries awfully hard to show myself and others that she loves them? How can I feel down when I have the memory of going to Mexico and Vegas this year with my mother? Yeah I lost in Vegas but spending time with her, my aunt Pam and my two cousins Tisha and Yolanda made it all worth it. How can I feel down when I think about all of those sunny days and delicious meals I shared with my good friend Jamil? There's no excuse for me to feel bad about my life when I think about how after more than 15 years I can still break bread and enjoy music with my friends Frank, Nick, Missy and Katie. How awesome were those shows this year? I refuse to feel bad about myself when I think about how hard I laughed and how much love I felt when I spent time with Peter, Marina and CJ the most awesomeness kids in the world. Or the happiness spread across the face of my friend Kianne's son August at the Long Island Fall Festival this past October. There is no way I can say 2013 sucked when I think about how proud I am of my cousin Danielle and how happy grandma would have been to see her at her baby shower. Grandma would have been equally proud to have seen Jaymes performing in his play Hair. I know my grandmother would be smiling from ear to ear at all of her grands accomplishments and the love and joy that they've spread this year. Thinking about last week and celebrating Christmas with my family including my uncle Eric reminded me of how important people are not things....although the things I got were awesome....it's the people that mean the most and leave lasting memories and impressions. I'm amazed at how great of a year this was and how great it was to spend time with my brothers Trevor and Zeb and to meet my brother Zebs girlfriend Christina and to interact with her via social media. I can't even describe how incredibly amazing the wedding of my friend Aram to Amy was this year. I feel so blessed that I was invited to go and enjoy myself. I'm so blessed to say that I have people in my life that shared the best of themselves with me including my step mother Rachel, some of my co workers and even complete strangers. There's no way I can feel like I'm worthless and agitated about 2014 finally coming here when I have a best friend like Marisa who has shown true compassion, friendship and kindness. I mean come on!! Each morning that I wake up, there is no way that I can feel bad about anything when I'm able to get a warm graze from my pooch Fella whom because of his mistake opened up the floodgates of giving and true love. How can I not move towards 2014, without thinking about the nice lunch I had with my cousin Yolanda and my Nana's best friend Rosetta. Another example of how life lives on even after people depart. I'm so grateful. This impromptu trip down memory lane 2013 reminds me of the lunch and drinks I had with my cousin Nikki this summer and how I love her dearly and wish only the best for her. I can't help but think about my friends from former jobs, from high school and from college who because they're my friends on FB, I was able to see how blessed their lives are today....especially Sherry, Karen, Britta, Queen and Rhahjon. I didn't get to see my aunt Lynn and uncle Brian this year....crazy but true...but the quick convo's over the phone or texts satiated my appetite for 2014. I won't let this happen again. Now that I've been letting these memories out it amazes me how I can be down at all for more than just a day. I mean I've been blessed with people who have shown an immense amount of love. I'm so grateful to all that are reading this and all that will not. I'm grateful for everyone and everything and before the clock strikes 12am be sure to ring in the new year filled with love not only for others but for yourself. GET YOURSELF RIGHT!!
I LOVE YOU,
Today as I reflect on my time in Vegas with my family, I can't help but think about all that I've been blessed with. Last night, when we arrived back at my family home, we were greeted with the aroma of decadent food prepared by my uncle Eric. We chowed down and then opened up gifts that were funny, thoughtful and extremely generous. Not that I needed to be reminded, but once again the revelation of just how much I not only love my family but how much I need them made itself known. I am so damn grateful for them and only wish that others could experience the same feelings I do.
This morning, when I woke up those feelings permeated throughout as I began to get ready for the day that lied ahead. Answering work voice mails and emails left for me while away didn't leave me feeling the greatest. Don't get me wrong, I'm incredibly grateful that I have a job. I'm incredibly grateful that I get to meet new people, help offices, witness growth and exchange ideas. But, does it make sense for my whole life to be consumed by work all day everyday? And not make enough money doing it? I work part time too and the emails and voice mails I got with that job just left me feeling defeated. I went away and although I lost money in Vegas I had such a great time. To come back and feel like you're a failure and that every move you make, every phone call you place, visit you make, item you scan, sample you give and mile you drive is to pay a bill and to put food on the table is just disheartening. How about joy being your lifeblood? How about living to live?
As 2014 approaches, I find myself coming up with resolutions and plans for myself. The truth is, planning and making resolutions are easy but putting them into action is the hard part. I don't want to work to live anymore. I don't want to have multiple jobs so that I can pay off unending medical bills and spend it on frivolous items that I won't recall 2 months from now. I don't want to have two jobs just so that I can afford to go out to dinner with friends and family. No, I it's time to Live to Live. It's time to have true discipline and live a life filled with comfort and peace because I made the necessary changes to do so. It sounds very easy but I know it's not. However, my goal in life beginning today will be to not let small things get the best of me. To not feel discouraged but to come from a place of no when it doesn't make sense and yes when it uplifts my spirit.
Many of us make choices in life that have little or nothing to do with our own well being. How much sense does that make? Think about the person you want to be in 2014. Are you that person today? Think about the choices you make that benefit the well being and livelihoods of others while defeating your own spirit. How much sense does that make? Choose Joy for 2014, choose you!!
Couldn't think of anything interesting to write about so, I figured I'd shared a couple of paragraphs from the second book I've been working on. It's not so much a memoir as it is a glimpse into the relationships i've had with men. If you're one of the guys I dated no worries, the names have been changed to protect you hahaha. But just so you know the names I chose describe your character. With that being said this small excerpt is about "Fish". Enjoy, and if you have any feedback please feel free to contact me or leave a comment.
Fish was the first guy in years to remind me of the fact that many men have ulterior motives. I met Fish during my senior year of high school while I was at work. I was a cashier at the local supermarket and was restocking the shelves when he approached me and started speaking sign language. I smiled and threw up both hands indicating I didn’t know what he was saying. He laughed and apologized and then said “I saw the aids and assumed”. That’s when he started asking me a million questions. “How long have I been deaf? Why don’t I speak sign language? Where am I from?” I felt overwhelmed and embarrassed trying to keep up. He looked a lot older than 22 and compared to my 17 in my eyes he was a man. For about fifteen minutes he kept pummeling me with questions. The only thing I was able to get out of him was that he was a senior in college and he lived with his deaf sister that’s why he spoke sign language. After the interrogation he asked me out on a date. Feeling slightly pressured to say yes I agreed. I gave him my home number and he said he’d call and set it up.
After he left, my best friend Money questioned me about him. I had no answers and she thought I was being evasive. The truth was he knew way more about me than I did about him. There was no convincing her otherwise. When my mom came to pick me up later that night from work I waited for her to tell me he had called and left a message. But she never did. Once at home I sighed a sigh of relief I really didn’t want him calling me. That night as I lay in bed I thought about him. He kinda looked like Levar Burton. Not “Reading Rainbow” Levar but Kunta Kinte getting captured Levar. He had a mini afro that needed a really good picking, he had swollen lips that seemed to be peeling into a pinkish purple, his skin was slightly lighter than mine, and he was dressed like Bill Cosby. “Dammit, why did I give him my number”? That night I prayed to God that he wouldn’t call that I wouldn’t see him at work and that the image of him would be erased from my mind. My prayers were answered, for about a week.
Do you ever find that you're too busy to take a moment to say thank you? Maybe you're too busy to acknowledge a text, email or im. I never understand when people claim to be too busy to get back to you. I mean unless you're the President of the free world c'mon!!! I see people posting on FB all day everyday. I see people updating their 144 characters or less on twitter constantly. And don't get me started about instagram. It's crazy! I mean I have no problem with any of that, I'm on social media my damn self but if someone asks me a question, sends me an email, or texts me, you better believe i'm responding. If i'm not responding right away, they will hear from me within 24 hours.
The same can be said when it comes to wishing someone well. A simple thanks, is sufficient enough. But, for some ungodly reason there are people that haven't been able to manage that small feat. I'm curious as to what goes through the mind of someone that reads correspondence and then chooses...ehhh....on to the next one. I can't even say that this post is about one particular person because the truth is a plethora of people are guilty of it. I don't know, it's Saturday morning and i'm wide awake, without having my cup of hot chocolate. I guess you can say i'm getting a bit ornery in my old age.
At any rate, if someone wishes you a happy birthday on FB or some other site, say thank you. If someone compliments you, acknowledge them. If someone sends you an email whether it's work related or personal, how about typing a response? If someone calls, you return the phone call. You never know, there could be a day where you are wishing to hear from them in some capacity or other and they aren't here. Life is too short for us to not take that 30 seconds to write thank you, I love you too, i'll get back to you or the numerous other responses you can come up with. Think about it.
Enjoy your Saturday and stay warm!!
This morning after a restless slumber, I woke up with a tear in my eye. After looking at myself in the mirror I noticed that my face was super puffy and I had dry lines coming out of the crevices of my eyes. I didn't remember what exactly it was that I dreamt about but I began to envision the possibilities. All that I could think about was love. I thought about how much I love my mom and how devastating it would be to lose her. I thought about all of the members of my family and how much they mean to me. I thought about the impact I'd like to have on the lives of those around me. A positive impact that is. I thought about something my best friend said to me...and I'm paraphrasing "people don't want you in their circle because you don't give off negative gossipy energy and those circles find comfort in that behavior". Such a nice thing for someone to say to another who always feels left out. This morning I thought about that. I also thought about how I have three jobs and yet I feel like I'm always under water. I thought about the joy it would bring me to be able to take care of my loved ones and not deal with money being an issue. I cried as I thought about the life I have made for myself and all that I have yet to accomplish. This morning as I stared at myself in the mirror, I thought about how deeply I think about things. I thought about conflict and how in my heart I want to avoid it but my head sometimes leads me down the dark path.
As I stared in the mirror with Mandela's funeral providing the soundtrack to my thoughts in the other room, I thought about what it must feel like to view and be viewed in such an amazing light. I thought about how I'd like to viewed. Staring in the mirror as the tears continued to flow, I thought about the day ahead. I thought about having to possibly shovel yet again in spite of the promise I made to myself years ago to find a man who would take the reigns and allow me to be the woman, wife and mom that I always wanted to be...including to never shovel snow again. My thoughts ran the gamut from pure insanity to spiritual enlightenment. Focusing on my eyes, and the quiver of my lips as the tears kept up a steady pace I thought about how much love I have for those in my life and if they truly know it. I thought about why it mattered to me that they know. As I reflected this morning in my bathroom across from the mirror, I thought about the true relationships within my family between my aunt, my mom and my uncles. I thought about the hurt, the animosity, the love and the bonds. Staring in the mirror and allowing myself to go places I don't always enjoy yet afterwards provides a level of comfort and clarity that I always clamor for, I noticed the tears begin to dry up again and a smile quietly and slowly form.
I can't wait until that moment I feel the need to stare in the mirror again.....
It’s crazy how sometimes you can have these grandiose ideas with even bigger expectations. When you come from a pure and thoughtful heart the only thing you can imagine is pure and thoughtful results. There are many times that I can think of where my intentions simply didn’t match what I wanted to happen. Trying to deal with the aftermath was and for many instances continues to be something that’s hard to navigate through.
While thinking about a particular situation I found myself mired in negative, sad and insane thoughts for weeks. The total opposite of what I had envisioned. After, taking some time to breath and collect I realized that the result isn’t as important as the intent. When you make a decision whether you deem it good or bad you have to let it go. Thinking about how others will react or what the outcome will be totally changes the intent of the action. This realization although difficult to come to grips with was and is the only solution.
There have been people in my life that I shared my intent with and whom I truly believed had agreed with me and considered my intent a good idea. But, when the backlash hit, it was fast and furious. Deciding what to do with those reactions left me spinning and second guessing. To ultimately discover after seeing the results that they were indeed correct only left me with my head in my hands. It’s weird because you would never think that something that originated from the best place in my heart could go so wrong. And, for others to see the writing on the wall while I thrived in a space of contentment speaks volumes about how I view people and our society.
Anyway, I suppose my point in all of this is to say that sometimes the best ideas and intentions although they make sense to you should be thought out. If one person puts a negative spin on your idea don’t listen but if 2, 3, and 5 do….well maybe reavaluating your intention would be a good idea. I hate being a cynic but like qtip said “all that glitters ain’t gold”.
Does any of this make sense? I feel like I just rambled haha….mistakes!!
My name is Tamieka Blair and I live on Long Island in New York. I write, I read, I write, I work, I write, I support..I WRITE!!!
Please note that the viewpoints expressed in this blog are solely my views and do not necessarily represent those of any employer or company associated with Tamieka Blair.