I'm so sick of this cold weather and dirty snow. The asphalt that has taken a liking to my car rubs off on me whenever i'm near it. I know, I know...go to the car wash. I would if it wouldn't snow every time I wash it. Don't get me wrong, i'm grateful to be able to experience all four seasons, but enough already!! This weather and the conditions are depressing me and i'm damn near on the verge of crying about it. Spring can't get here fast enough. Anyway, have a great weekend!
As far as I can remember I've enjoyed sports. My mom has been an avid watcher over the years and she basically passed it on to me. As I've gotten older, my appreciation has grown particularly when it comes to basketball and football. In my mind i'm an athlete but the truth is....ain't nobody got time for dat.
As we near closer to the biggest football game of the year my excitement is paramount. I'm a fan of both quarterbacks but my affinity for Peyton is a bit stronger. I have so many damn opinions about the game and the players and the location the game will be played and the controversy about the lack of hype NJ is getting that I can't contain myself. On the flip side, my affinity towards basketball grows with each game I watch. There are so many games in a season that I find myself rearranging my TIVO schedule just to catch a Knicks game. I replay dunks, watch post game shows, criticize players, it's ridiculous. Sometimes, I'll drive over to my dads and catch a game with him but by halftime he's snoring or worse flipping between the game and the food network causing us to miss big time plays haha (sorry dad but it's true).
It's crazy! But who do I talk to about all of this? Most of my girlfriends just aren't into sports. That's fine. I'm not friends with them for one dimensional reasons. But damn, it would be nice to go out with the girls each week to watch a game at the bar. Instead, i'm constantly subjected to stares and oogling from guys who think i'm a freak because i'm at the bar by myself actually watching the game. It's nuts. Now don't get me wrong, I have friends who enjoy sports but its just that they're typically guys in relationships. I also have a good friend that enjoys basketball but we don't live all that close to one another and she's not really into the sports bar scene :-/
Don't cry for me Argentina i'm not sad. I just find it crazy that more girls aren't into sports. So, as I contemplate where I'll be watching the Superbowl on Sunday, I'll also think about how awesome and excited it will be to watch. I got Denver 31-17....you?
This afternoon, I stopped by my families home and was given the shocking news that our long time neighbor had passed away. She was an older woman having been blessed with over 80 years on this earth. I'm a bit shook up because the circumstances in which she passed are quite disheartening. You would think that if you get the opportunity to live that long, you'll probably go in your sleep. Any other "way out" is simply devastating. I won't harp on the specifics but lets just say, you never know how you will meet your demise.
My neighbor appeared to be a friendly and caring woman. I didn't know her well but she lived there long enough to see me, my cousins, my mother, my aunt and my uncles grow up. We're talking 50 plus years. She was friends with my dearly departed grandmother and also knew my grandmothers mother. Generations ago. It's sad because many people don't grow up in neighborhoods like that anymore. Many people buy and sell within a span of ten years or simply rent and move.
This lady, waved and smiled every time we saw her. My uncle grew fond of her and her family even doing yardwork and housework for them from time to time. As I type this, I'm getting sadder and sadder because the reality of what has happened hurts. I will no longer just nod and say "how's it going" or "beautiful day". Simple gestures that you take for granted once they're no longer available to you. Crazy, how impactful the little things can be on your every day life.
So, Rest in Peace dear lady. May your forever days be filled with the love and joy you exhibited on your face each time you greeted me at the edge of your driveway.
As I approach 40, I can't help but think about all of the things I never accomplished yet dreamed I would. From the moment you're able to envision things for yourself, you never stop. The things you envision can run the gamut from the impossible to the attainable. At times, it's easy to allow yourself to believe that you have passed the possibility of certain things ever happening. Today, I sit in that space.
There are so many things I wanted for myself by the time I hit 40. Many of those things I actually wanted by the time I hit 30, but as many say life got in the way. I'm confident that I can achieve some of the goals I've set forth for myself. I'm even confident that the dreams I envisioned for myself are still attainable. I can't lie though....wholeheartedly believing that they will happen is something I'm not 100% invested in.
I can run down the list yet again....but my blog can be a testament to my desires. At this point, It's about making it happen. Although, I just want to let it go and give up on myself there's something that just won't allow me to do that. Whether it's a testament to my resilience or a testament to my stubbornness I don't know. All that I do know is that my dreams are still at the forefront of my mind. I often find myself silently crying about them and dreaming on top of dreams about them. Allowing my mind to take me places far away in a span of a few minutes can be tough because when you shake your head and focus on the here and the now, the reality of what's staring at you becomes all to clear.
So, here I sit. At 2 months from 40 and I'm not even close to achieving the biggest dreams I always wanted. Do I give up and create new dreams? Do I let it go and succumb to the reality that I'm no spring chicken? Do I accept that I will never be a mom or a wife? Where do I go from here? If anyone has an answer...let me know because I'm a bit lost....
Why do teachers tell you to raise your hand when you want to ask a question and then frown upon the question asked?
Why do people say there are no stupid questions and then berate you for not knowing an answer they believe you should've know?
Why do people offer their assistance and then say they can't help go elsewhere?
Why do people get shocked when they discover someone feels abandoned, alone and left to figure it out themselves????
I lied to someone today. I don't know why its eating me up so much. It's not like he'll ever know. He doesn't read my blog, and if he did, he wouldn't realize I was talking about him. You see it was a small lie....a little white lie if you will. A fib! Instead of being honest I chose to lie because I knew, had I told him the truth he would have insisted I do something I didn't really feel like doing. So I lied. And I feel guilty.
I pride myself on being honest. I can't sit here and pretend I've never lied before and try to justify it by proclaiming one lie was better or more warranted than the next. But, I can tell you each time I've chosen not to be fully honest I've felt guilt over it. I've also felt pretty stupid for the reasoning I came up with for doing it. I mean really....why lie?
This person that I lied to a little while ago reacted just as I had expected him to. He was a bit perturbed but he was understanding. Had I told him I just don't want to go, he would have came up with a zillion reasons as to why he thought it was a good idea and then all of the sudden I would've caved. So, now here I am typing away and blissfully content yet feeling guilty haha.
Anyway, as my Nana would say...such is life.
Enjoy your Sunday and if you're watching football my picks are Carolina and Denver!! Yeah I said it!!
I've been dating this guy. I haven't spoken to anyone about him...not really. I guess the main reason is because I know he's not really into me. Part of me feels like I should hang it up and move on but there's something about him that makes me continue to give him the time of day.
Dating never gets easy. It was hard when I was a teenager and has gotten progressively harder over the years. Sometimes I feel like the thing that holds me back and prevents me from cutting my losses is fear. I suppose I fear the unknown. I often find myself thinking is this it? If so, make the best of it. I've dated guys for way longer than I should've because I feared that I couldn't do any better. As I move closer to the milestone of 40, those feelings haven't changed. I've been engaged and stayed longer than I should've because I believed that that was it. I dated someone for 6 years and if you ask him, to this day he'll say "nah we were just friends". I dated someone for a year and he refused to call me his girlfriend yet wanted to still spend time with my family after we "broke up". It's weird, something has to give.
So as I sit in a new but similiar relationship today, I have to wonder what is wrong? Why do I keep making the same choices? This particular guy is handsome, intelligent, independent and single. Haha SINGLE!! Yet, I still go out with him, give him the time of day and listen to him talk endlessly about how he doesn't ever want to marry, have kids or even be in a relationship. If those are three of the qualities I want in a man, why am I dating him knowing that he's never going to concede to any of it. I mean really?
Maybe, at the end of the day it's me. Maybe I'm constantly seeking out guys who will be non committal because deep down i'm the same way. Maybe, I am more fearful of the life I want for myself than I truly realize. As I continue to contemplate my choices and the decisions I find myself repeatedly making I can't help but wonder where do I go from here.
Me and the mystery man have a date this week. Why? Ugh!!
My name is Tamieka Blair and I live on Long Island in New York. I write, I read, I write, I work, I write, I support..I WRITE!!!
Please note that the viewpoints expressed in this blog are solely my views and do not necessarily represent those of any employer or company associated with Tamieka Blair.