Dating never gets easy. It was hard when I was a teenager and has gotten progressively harder over the years. Sometimes I feel like the thing that holds me back and prevents me from cutting my losses is fear. I suppose I fear the unknown. I often find myself thinking is this it? If so, make the best of it. I've dated guys for way longer than I should've because I feared that I couldn't do any better. As I move closer to the milestone of 40, those feelings haven't changed. I've been engaged and stayed longer than I should've because I believed that that was it. I dated someone for 6 years and if you ask him, to this day he'll say "nah we were just friends". I dated someone for a year and he refused to call me his girlfriend yet wanted to still spend time with my family after we "broke up". It's weird, something has to give.
So as I sit in a new but similiar relationship today, I have to wonder what is wrong? Why do I keep making the same choices? This particular guy is handsome, intelligent, independent and single. Haha SINGLE!! Yet, I still go out with him, give him the time of day and listen to him talk endlessly about how he doesn't ever want to marry, have kids or even be in a relationship. If those are three of the qualities I want in a man, why am I dating him knowing that he's never going to concede to any of it. I mean really?
Maybe, at the end of the day it's me. Maybe I'm constantly seeking out guys who will be non committal because deep down i'm the same way. Maybe, I am more fearful of the life I want for myself than I truly realize. As I continue to contemplate my choices and the decisions I find myself repeatedly making I can't help but wonder where do I go from here.
Me and the mystery man have a date this week. Why? Ugh!!