I'm currently at a point in my life where I want so much more of and for myself and obtaining it seems too far out of grasp. I'm not exactly sure if I should keep moving towards those unforseen goals or just sit, stir and wait for whatever or whoever is going to walk through the door. Yesterday, I opened up a bit to my cousin and told her how I felt in terms of my life. I touched briefly on it without getting into details. Basically what I said was that sometimes I feel envious of women who seem to "have it all". You know the ones. They have their makeup done perfectly, their hair doesn't have any gray nor a strand out of place. Their nails are painted to precision. Their outfits are far from my jeans and but rather consist of heals and dresses. They drive a beamer and they seemingly have their shit together. We've seen them day in and day out. I told my cousin, in theory I'd love to be that girl but its not me. I said many times that girl only has her image to hold on to. She has no money for even a dollar menu meal, a quarter tank of gas and shares a studio with two other people. Sometimes that girl is in a shitty relationship, hates her job and has no friends. Sometimes that woman is estranged from her parents and or family and only has her image to make her feel important and or relevant. Sometimes that girl has an image she's projecting because you know what they say "fake it till ya make it".
But, I can never be that girl even if I tried. I'd love to drive a range rover but with that car comes a car note. I'm fine not having one. I'd love to wear dresses every day but there's something about being more comfy in jeans than feeling my thighs constantly rub against each other haha. I'd love to get my hair done weekly but I ain't go that kind of money. I'd love a lot of things but at the end of the day, I have to choose things that will ultimately aid in my future plans. The problem is what if it's all for nothing? (I'm on a tangent right now bear with me). You see, I put off getting into a serious relationship over the past few years because I was going through fertility treatments and the thought of having to explain to a new guy exactly what my plan was, was too much to add to my plate. So, by choosing to forgo a relationship I kind of put myself in a complacent compartment that left me alone yet oddly comfortable. Now, I have no child and no relationship. On top of that I have no full time job, I share an apartment with my cousin and I'm stuck in a situation where I'm not sure which way to go. It kind of sucks.
So now, sitting in my living room thinking Tamieka you gotta get yo shit together booms over my head like a loud hip hop beat. I could make a song out of it. I could write a poem about it. I could do what I'm doing now and type it out. Confused to say the least, is how i'm feeling. Sorta like I gave up and i'm going through the motions would best describe my thoughts. It's weird. I know as my Nana would always say "This too shall pass", but damn as I look at my cross eyed daschund Fella I can't help but think now what??????