All of my life, I strived to find happiness. I looked in some of the darkest holes and through some of the brightest lights. It remained unfounded….or so I thought. As I looked and looked, I stumbled upon thankless jobs, ruthless people and bleary days. In the midst of it, gems would always seem to shine. Whether it was a new best friend, meeting my favorite artist, kissing the most perfect lips, or being chosen by those you didn’t think noticed you, greatness would find me. However, the one true beam that I wanted never seemed to make itself present.
Many women are told to wait until they have the career, the money, and the husband before they have the child. Unfortunately, reality isn’t set up that way. Biologically speaking the window for conception is quite small. This isn’t something that we’re really taught. Nobody told me that at 25, I was at my peak. 25!! At 25, I was too busy dropping it like it was hot to think about settling down and having my dream baby. Then I hit 30, I was still young enough but I had no clue that I was only a few years away from my dream slipping through my fingers. At 30, I was in the midst of carving out my career in the music industry, or so I thought. By 31, what I thought would be my career turned into what would be a revolving door of unemployment checks, temp checks and grinding at jobs I hated with no medical insurance to check on myself physically. By the time I turned 35, it was over. 10 years between 25-35 and my eggs were all but gone. Crazy….but true.
So, as I sit here contemplating and daydreaming about the life I wanted and the life I ultimately have, I think about some of the things I could have done different. I could have frozen my eggs in my 20’s. I could have put more emphasis on monitoring my reproductive health. I could have educated myself. I could have done so much but I didn’t. So, I beat myself up sometimes and let the tears stream as I think about the what ifs. I know that I may have one or two good eggs left but financially speaking IVF costs are astronomical. Medical insurance covers some but 5k is nothing when you have a 20k bill. So, I have decided to put all of my eggs in the arms of god and pray that if I’m meant to be a mom I will be. I continue to do research and look at grants but ultimately I truly believe my faith will carry me through. Whether that's with a baby in my arms or not, that remains to be seen but i'm hopeful and i'm optimistic and will accept my fate no matter how it presents itself to me.
Not sure where I got the strength to share this part of my story, but maybe there’s a twenty something year old out there who’s reading this and will think about her future realistically. Maybe there’s a mother out there that will have the conversation with her daughter about reproductive health. Maybe, just maybe someone will think twice about truly making decisions for their future.
Good Luck and God Bless,
Tamieka