The reason I decided to write this book was to try to make sense of who I am. I’m 39, single and childless. As I've gone down memory lane with a lot of assistance from the journals I've kept over the years, I've gained a greater understanding of who I am. Many of my failed relationships were truly my fault. Like many women I chose men who I knew were unable of committing fully to me because in reality I wasn't truly ready for a commitment myself. I chose men who didn't value me, my ideas or beliefs. Reminiscing over my college and young adult years, I realized that in the end my insecurity is what held me back.
My hope is that by the time I finish my book I will know myself fully. I believe that in the end the choice I make in who will be my mate will be someone who not only loves me, but respects me and roots for me. In the meantime check out an excerpt from the book. (names have been changed to protect the guilty haha).
“Fish was the first guy in years to remind me of the fact that many men have ulterior motives. I met Fish during my senior year of high school while I was at work. I was a cashier at the local supermarket and was restocking the shelves when he approached me and started speaking sign language. I smiled and threw up both hands indicating I didn't know what he was saying. He laughed and apologized and then said “I saw the aids and assumed”. That’s when he started asking me a million questions. “How long have I been deaf? Why don’t I speak sign language? Where am I from?” I felt overwhelmed and embarrassed trying to keep up. He looked a lot older than 22 and compared to my 17 in my eyes he was a man. For about fifteen minutes he kept pummeling me with questions. The only thing I was able to get out of him was that he was a senior in college and he lived with his deaf sister that’s why he spoke sign language. After the interrogation he asked me out on a date. Feeling slightly pressured to say yes I agreed. I gave him my home number and he said he’d call and set it up.
After he left, my best friend Money questioned me about him. I had no answers and she thought I was being evasive. The truth was he knew way more about me than I did about him. There was no convincing her otherwise. When my mom came to pick me up later that night from work I waited for her to tell me he had called and left a message. But she never did. Once at home I sighed a sigh of relief I really didn't want him calling me. That night as I lay in bed I thought about him. He kinda looked like Levar Burton. Not “Reading Rainbow” Levar but Kunta Kinte getting captured Levar. He had a mini Afro that needed a really good picking, he had swollen lips that seemed to be peeling into a pinkish purple, his skin was slightly lighter than mine, and he was dressed like Bill Cosby. “Dammit, why did I give him my number”? That night I prayed to God that he wouldn't call that I wouldn't see him at work and that the image of him would be erased from my mind. My prayers were answered, for about a week.
Home from school enjoying the solitude until my mom and her boyfriend came home I was enthralled in my favorite soap opera “General Hospital” when the phone rang. We didn't have caller ID but I assumed it would be one of my grandmothers calling to check in on me. I was surprised to hear a man’s voice ask for me. I shakily answered “this is her”, “Hey, it’s Fish. How’s it going”? Ohh goodness not him I thought. “Oh hey” was all I could stammer. He proceeded to apologize for not calling sooner blaming his studies and work but wondered if I wanted to hang out next week. “Sure” I said before my mind could to tell my mouth “hell naw”. He seemed happy with my answer and asked “how about next Saturday night? Isn't that the night of your homecoming dance?” Again “sure” was all I said. But I quickly followed it up with “I mean yes it is”. With a quick “ok great I’ll pick you up at 6 pm” the line went dead and he was gone. What was I thinking? I wasn't remotely interested in this guy yet here I was making plans to go out with him in less than 10 days. It was my own fault for asking him to go with me the first day I met him. I was so desperate to have that attention, that I said the first thing I was thinking. I had immediately regretted it, but on that particular day and at that particular moment, it didn't matter. My mom would be so happy for me. I couldn't tell her. I’d have to tell her. Dammit, why did I say yes? “