I've always wanted what was best for myself but it has always seemed hard to obtain. Just yesterday I got on my soap box and told my cousin how I felt life was unfair to me. I began to touch on the fact that I can't get a really good job in spite of the fact that I'm educated, skilled and "reasonably" smart. Of course she did what family is supposed to do and told me to not think like that. But I can't help it. I feel like much of my life and especially the last two years, I've been walking around just living. I have goals but I don't wholeheartedly believe in them. I have dreams but I feel like they were swashed years ago. I have desires but they remain unattainable. I have aspirations but they dissipate with each birth year that gets attached to me in March. My mom always tells me that she's proud of me. I believe her but I don't believe I have anything worth being proud of. Does that make any sense? She told me that her friend said to tell me I was a good daughter to my mom. I thought that was a really nice and sweet thing to say, but also thought well I'm supposed to be...she is my mom after all. And the bible says to honor your father and mother. I don't know how to be any other kind of way.
So now what? When a dream is deferred and an education is wasted, then what? When money is thrown away on what doctors assured you could become reality but turns into bills, bills, bills where do you go then? How do you get out of the dumps when you've been stuck there for so many years? When you're having the Sunday blues how do you get out of it? I honestly don't have the answer.
On this Sunday, all I can do is feel a little sad and despondent. Feeling stuck sucks. Not seeing the rainbow blows. But hey the Giants play the Bears today, my second favorite holiday is less than a week away and all is well with the world 👀