As I approach 40, the memories of those decisions are becoming clearer than ever. Over the course of my life, there have been experiences that shaped who I am and exposed me for the insecure, unadventurous hermit that I've become. I have made choices that have left me in a position of singularity. For the most part, I eat dinner alone. I watch tv alone. I sleep alone. I do all of this and more because this is the choice I have made. I chose not to get on that bus, or that plane or that train. I chose to let it pass me by and instead I took the steps back to the solitude and safety within myself.
Now don't get me wrong, I made numerous overtures to change the trajectory of my life. I've traveled down roads that I believed would lead me towards where I always said I wanted to be. I jumped on the saddle and often found myself lying on the ground. But, (and I don't use the word but not as a way of erasing all that has preceded the word. No. I used it as additional commentary and explanation of what I've just said.) the truth of the matter is that I new the saddle was torn before I got on it. I tended to choose the defective ones. When I did get on the train, I knew deep down that it was heading in the direction of where I wanted to go but I also knew that the route didn't include the stop that led to where I needed to go.
So, here I am. I'm aware and in tuned to what I've been doing to my self. Aware of the cycle that I continue to walk through. I made a choice for myself last week. Well the truth is that someone served me a platter and there was truly only one choice that I could make. As it turns out, that choice as much as it hurts will ultimately save my life and free me from myself. How ironic that it should happen one week before I turn 40. There are really no surprises or mistakes in life. If you open your eyes and listen with your soul all will be revealed and make sense to you. I'm glad that I'm seeing me for the first time and that i'm recognizing the intricacies of what makes up Tamieka Adrienne Blair!!