I pride myself on trying to think positive. I pray throughout the day. I dedicate time to my art in the hopes that someone will notice and aid me in becoming published. I try to be supportive of my family and friends. I work at being the kind of daughter that my mom and dad can be proud of. I work very hard on trying to be the best me I can be. But why? Why give of myself if at the end of the day I continue to struggle and go to bed sad? It's nuts.
As I'm typing this, tears are streaming down my face because I feel like i'm at a dead end. All I want is to get a break. I look at some people and all that they've been afforded and rewarded with and all I ask is how about me? I haven't purchased new clothes for myself in over a year. My car has 263,000 miles on it. I've spent 700 this week alone on medical bills. I mean come on. Sometimes, I see drug dealers riding around in their fancy cars, spending money on the stupidest shit, getting arrested, released and back to high living....like a cycle. Then there's someone like me who maintains an honest living, keeps her nose clean and her heart pure but my cycle is more like a hamster wheel.
Nobody likes a complainer, and someone who cries but I don't care....close the page if you're sick of my whining. For me, writing helps to ease the pain, relieve some of the tension and to move back into positive thinking mode. The thoughts remain and stay with me but at least I got it out!