Years after committing God awful acts of violence do you have remorse? Are you fully aware of the pain and suffering that you caused? Do you realize that the scars heal but the wound lasts forever? Sometimes, I sit and question your motivation. Sometimes I blame your short stint in the military. Sometimes I blame your background and upbringing. Sometimes I blame your drug addiction. At any rate, none of that is an excuse for the tears you brought to my face and to my mother’s face.
Although I sit in a much better space than I did growing up, it’s no thanks to you. For years I’ve gone to therapy and tried to make sense of the whys. I never understood why I would be subjected to such cruelty when I was already dealing with many physical ailments as a result of my joint disease. I spent years, questioning God. I couldn’t fathom that the all knowing that I kneeled for and prayed to could truly be all loving yet allow me to be a “victim” and witness victimization. None of it made sense. But you, the perpetrator of such evilness were the one I should have questioned. You are the one I question to this day.
Do you know that I’ve never had a healthy relationship with men? Do you know that I’m very insecure and often find it hard to trust? Dear You, are you aware that I spent years blaming my mother for your disgusting behavior? Do you realize that I still blame my dad for not being my dad during those pivotal years? Are you able to truly fathom that the hole in my spirit will probably never repair no matter how happy I look on the outside?
I decided to write this letter to YOU even though I know you will more than likely never read it. But maybe just maybe, there’s someone out there that will. Maybe, there’s someone out there that will choose to not ball up a fist and put it in someones face. Maybe there’s someone out there that will choose not to pull the pants down of a five year old. Maybe there’s someone out there that will realize she is worth more than being a punching bag. Maybe just maybe someone will stand up for that someone who doesn’t have the strength to stand up for themselves.
Just so you know, yes I still remain wounded but my spirit rises. I am not your victim any longer. My mother is not your victim any longer. Just so you know, I have a great relationship with her something you always tried to break. Just so you know, my dad and I are friends and we made up for lost years in a way that I always dreamed of. Just so you know, I’m a work in progress but I’m happier today than I ever thought was possible. Just so you know, there’s a dark hot place in hell for people like you.
I hate you,