After leaving my friends house, I got into my car and cried. The ugly cry!! Those that know me very well know that I've always wanted to be a mom. As the years passed by, it never dawned on me that I wouldn't be one. It’s crazy how life can be sometimes. I come from a very large family…on both sides!! The last thing I imagined was that I would be the one without my own family. So, after playing with my friends children I again was struck with pangs of sadness. People have said to me well if you want kids, you can adopt or go to the “clinic”. Yes, I know!! It’s funny how this advice always comes from people who have their own biological kids. Or people who never had to struggle to have a child. I’m a very open hearted and open minded person and I have NO aversion to either forms of starting a family. However, that doesn't take away from the fact that my inability to have them myself is heartbreaking.
It’s crazy because I feel like I've been through some real tough crap in my life. I often question God and ask why this too? Who knows why the path that was chosen for me is the way it is? Who knows why I've been blessed with so many gifts yet the ones I want more than anything in this world are the ones I don’t have. When I go onto Facebook and Twitter and view pictures of babies and families I sometimes feel bad for myself. I sometimes wonder what could I have done differently in my life to change the trajectory. As I've stated before "I know the path God has chosen for me is greater than any path I could have chosen for myself. But….damn….really??!!
As I write this, I wonder…am I sharing too much? Probably!! When I look into the eyes of my family, friends and co workers I know I will feel a bit of insecurity and wonder if they read this. I will wonder what they think of me. But…I suppose by putting it “all” out there I’m not only helping myself to heal and come to grips with my life, but maybe someone out there won’t feel alone. I know that if I want to be a mom, I will be and in whatever capacity that may be. I just hope it’s sooner rather than later….you’re girl ain’t getting any younger.